leosdisciple's Blog

                          

'Gives peace on earth and calms the stormy deep,
Who stills the winds and bids the sufferer sleep'


Author Unknown - taken from Plato's Syposium



once upon a time. the beautiful greeneyed Princess fell in Love with the little indian boy. he was a wild undisciplined lost soul, her Love gave him the peace he sought...he needed, and he sleeps like a loved baby, knowing she will always be there for him. and they lived happily ever after. The End

.'

                         

                          

"realises all the beauty and significance of life, and the importance of the task allotted in it to man; when he grasps the possibility of unlimited advance towards perfection for one's self and for all the world, and gives himself to this task, not only hopefully, but with full conviction of attaining to the perfection he imagines"


Resurrection - Leo Tolstoy


many times, in a single day, i wonder if i'm doing this thing called Life, if i'm doing it right. i have been given this wonderful opportunity of Second Chance, and i strive to make good on it.

last Saturday mini-me attended a b-day party. i picked her up after the celebration. on the ride home she beamed with pride as she held her arts and craft project in her lap, and i listened with loving attention as she described the fun she had with her classmates. i was soo....just happy for her, for us, for me, and i tenderly reached out and gave a gentle rub to her left cheek with the back of my hand, i was so happy, and as i moved my hand back towards the steering wheel, her small, but strong hand, caught my hand, and pulled it back to her right cheek and repeated the gentle touch of Love herself .  my Heart swelled, near to burst with overflowing appreciation and Love... for this Second Chance, that if i got this chance, would i do it right this time, and Saturday's display showed me that if i'm not doing it perfectly, at least my Loved ones know that the true intentions are present, i'm not perfect, but i am striving for it,, and that is what trully counts

                        



at the tender age of 12 my wife  picked me, years before i even noticed her, she foretelling to a fellow classmate that she was going to marry me someday, this whimsical prediction made upon first sighting. some dispute DESTINY,  SOULMATES, TWINFLAMES, but the older i get the more my faith in Love grows. meeting with our Soulmate is against the odds, my Wife and i have been so fortunate. on these cold Winter nites, our Loves glow warms our hearts, our twin hearts, and it's my wish all find theirs one day.  the following i read in full recently, i don't even remember why or when i first laid eyes upon it, just read bits and pieces of it in the past , but never all of it, till recently, it explains what my untrained brain feels but am unable to put into word till the good Lord led me to it. it is thought, just thought, but it describes my ........feelings..my love for my Love to a T.      


the thoughts are Aristophanes, taken from, Plato's Symposium:

And when one of them meets
with his other half, the actual half of himself,
the pair are lost in an amazement of love
and friendship and intimacy, and one will not be out of the other's sight,
as I may say, even for a moment: these are the people who pass their whole
lives together; yet they could not explain what they desire of one another.
 

For the intense yearning which each of them has towards the other does not
appear to be the desire of lover's intercourse, but of something else which
the soul of either evidently desires and cannot tell, and of which she has
only a dark and doubtful presentiment.

Suppose Hephaestus, with his
instruments, to come to the pair who are lying side by side and to say to
them, '

What do you people want of one another?'

they would be unable to
explain. And suppose further, that when he saw their perplexity he said:
 

Do you desire to be wholly one; always day and night to be in one
another's company? for if this is what you desire, I am ready to melt you
into one and let you grow together, so that being two you shall become one,
and while you live a common life as if you were a single man, and
after your death in the world below still be one departed soul instead of
two--I ask whether this is what you lovingly desire, and whether you are
satisfied to attain this?'

--there is not a man of them who when he heard
the proposal would deny or would not acknowledge that this meeting and
melting into one another, this becoming one instead of two, was the very
expression of his ancient need (compare Arist. Pol.). And the reason is
that human nature was originally one and we were a whole, and the desire
and pursuit of the whole is called love.

                       
                                        
                                                                                                                               


                             


my babygirl always gets a kick out of telling people she married a younger man
and i get a kick just knowing she picked me, this wonderful, beautiful woman
chose me, she runs a tight ship, and sometimes i wonder how such a rag tag 
knucklehead, like me, caught such a break, and when she looks me in the eyes
with those beautiful green eyes and say's "i love you", i feel like a giddy kid,
 a fortunate lucky awkward kid, and i fall deeper in Love

                           






she was a mere child, told her friend, "i'm going to marry him someday", she kept her eyes on her prize thru the years, waiting ...patiently waiting , she knew...she always knew....he didn't stand a chance, he was the one, all he had to do was show up and say yes.....and he says yes to this day....yes yess yesssssss

     



     





this movie moves me, reminds me, and delivered me. FAR and AWAY.  a rich land owners daughter falls in love with the son of a dirt poor land renting potatoe farming father.  my wife did as much. this is a favorite scene of one of my favorite movies. i love it, for i pretend no more....... the house is our house, she is my wife and i her husband, and the Love we share is a true miracle of life...it's no act

                         




i was seventeen, so was she. blonde, beautiful, with tan lines that drove me crazy. i did not even have a clue, where i had been, where i was going, all i knew was that i wanted her, desired her, had to have her. hell, i wasn't even a carpenter, but she still wanted to have my babies, and did, our Love made flesh. when i asked her to marry me, i had no understanding of what my part would require of me, i did not know i was a train wreck,  an un-natural disaster, i could say love. but did not understand how to do love, but God blessed her and she knew.....she knew...

                               



when we started this 34 years ago, we said we'd be there when the crap hits the fan. well the crap did hit the fan, again and again, and here we are, doing what we said we would, and i am so proud and happy for us, while others talk we have performed and lived our love, right here with each other 

                            





as i age, i appreciate knowing, knowing where all the buttons are, understanding when to push it at the right time, my wicked little witch is so evil on Halloween, and i'm much richer for it !

HAPPY HALLOWEEN everybody !!

hope yours will be as good as mine !

                             




my God my life is in a good spot. i have paid my dues and now i just have to sit back and enjoy the show. no more proving, i know who i am and know what i got, and i know where i'm going.....what a blast !!!!

                       

 

                                    





today was grandparents day at my g-childrens school. Morning Mass, and a performance afterwards in the school gym.  what a blessed blessed morning.  my 9 year old g-son, who is in 4th grade, had 2 speaking parts, a violin performance and finished off with the student body in a group sing along, needless to say i was very proud of him and his sister, 1st grade, all week long they excitedly promoted todays events, they asked all week long if g-ma and i  were going, wild horses could not of dragged me away.  as i said i am so proud and happy for my g-son, standing and delivering his parts with the coolness of a polished Vegas act and with 500 sets of eyes upon him to boot, i admire him, but most of all, love him.

he keeps his grades at a low A, despite the fact that his schedule is busy, with violin practice, and football practice and the games,  he is on the stacked team, or the select team, he did not start there, he earned his way up to it, they are now undefeated and at the end of October, the team will be attending a tournament. i do not forget or i should say, he does not let me forget that leisure time must not be dismissed, for he loves to kill the Zombies : ) . i try to maintain a balance for him, g-ma thinks i'm too hard on him, but i have nothing but his best interest at heart.

after the morning events, i took my daughter to work. during the ride we discussed odds and ends. while talking about  when she was videotaping his speaking part, i could hear a tremble in her voice and the words "i'm just so proud of him", i rubbed her hand and said " i know you are", for this is the same kid that at age 4 got kicked out of a daycare *Leo smiles and shakes head* , he headbutted a worker, a young loud mouth guy, but wrong it was, and later he repeatedly received notes for lackluster performances in 1st grade, and now, here this morning he was picked to read aloud. what a turnaround !

what a turnaround.....for i proudly testify that it all began when they moved in with us.  in the past i have questioned why fate robbed me of my foot, why me, why.....

i no longer question why, i just say thank you. 

about a month ago, my g-son and i were finishing up our showers. he made the remark, "g-pa it's too bad you lost your foot, cause it would be nice if you could run with me", i abruptly interrupted him, " i still play catch with you, i go to the gym with you, we do cardio machines, lift weights...don't we, don't ever say that to me again, i cannot go around feeling sorry for myself, if this hadn't of happened, there is no way that i could spend all this time together with you and your sister, i don't want you to ever feel sorry for me, okay" , abrupt i was, but i felt abrupt i had to be. now that i think about it, maybe i was abrupt for me, a defense mechanism, to assure that i never forget that by losing my leg, i gained something more valuable, my leg for the lives of two of my grandchildren is a small admittance fee, one i would gladly pay again if asked, that is how much i love them, that is what my Higher Power taught me, "he gave his only begotten Son",sacrifice for the greater good.

i lost my Auntie this summer. as my g-son passed her upon the last viewing, he broke down into tears, no fear of showing his emotions, i'm proud of him for this. my wife and i later talked about him doing this, she said "he has such a tender heart", and i thought to myself, i know he does, i'm teaching him.

my g-son....he will be everything that i was not and everything that i am, his heart beats in unison with mine

and my heart too will go on

and thats a neat neat feeling


 

                         



G-daughter :  " i love you G-pa"   G-Pa : "i love you Baby"    G-daughter : "i love you more G-pa"  G-Pa : " no you don't, i love you more "   G-daughter " no you don't, I love love you more"  G-Pa : " no you don't, i love love love YOU more"   G-daughter :  " but i love you a million times more g-pa"  G-Pa " but i love you a billion times more Baby"   G-daughter :  "but i love you a gazillion manillion mactillion (drove by McDonalds) times more than you G-Pa! "     

 
G-Pa : "okay, you win"


*G-Pa wipes tears from eyes*

                          




                                




i performed a needed cleaning task today.  i expect nothing in return, seeing the

                            
  smile will be enough.  i have learned that my when i give my love, it must given

                              
without expectations, no interest upon my investment required, my love has

                              
evolved, to give it without a motive liberates me, and i am that much more of a 

                               
complete man for it, and i thank my Love, my woman, my wife, and i love her

                            


thank you Albert Hammond and Mike Hazelwood.  this wonderful sentiments capture exactly how i feel for my Love. i see questions in Q and A of what i would wish for, and i can't think of anything that would make my life more complete. when they wrote this, they had to of been trully touched by pure Love, for it rings so true for me, about how i feel for my Love.

                           



my babygirl showed me how. how to stand when others run. when we have a bad day or a bad time, it's my job to stand by your side, and pull and encourage you through the dark hours that cross our paths, and i thank you my love, i am a better man because of you, and now i take my turn.

you have been everything i asked for, everything i needed, everything i had lost.  God matched us before we were even born, i realize this now, because a love like this just don't happen overnite in a bed of lust, it takes eons for a love like this reach it's zenith.

your the only dream i've had thats ever come true

and when you read this, let it be known

 i love Mrs. Leosdisciple

                           





i heard this song on the radio this morning, listening to it again on the Tube, my Gson listened with me, i told him gma and i have been together a long time, as my eyes glistened with tears, he asked "how long you and gma been together?", i replied 34 years, "oh my gosh, thats more than half your life gpa" i said, yes it is.  we have made it through the very dark hours, and the lite shines like a newborn day now, every day, oh we still argue, get petty, but we both know we will both be there for each other when the manure hits the fan.


yes baby,  more than half my life, gma is all of my blessed life

Update: recently found a picture of my G-sons mother when she was young, ( i embarrasingly admit i did not take enough pictures when my babies were young, too worried about doing the idiotic booze game, i had no time or money to take pics and get them developed, what a jerk i was) my g-son is the spitting image of her, and  my girl is beautiful and so is he and my heart bursts with gratitude, my beautiful wife and i made that look.....we made that look......and i feel like a million bucks.....

                        



my mexican american grandchildren love this song, but look out when they get the mexican/german/irish blood mad, and couple that with some crazy ass indian blood....*laughing*   WOW !!!  but they love me with all that inherited intensity and i love them more than i could ever imagine

                         




my God i love this song


at my former job, i was at times required to go in early in the morning, 3 am start, my alarm would go off at 145, the nites sleep would usually be restless and short, i hated going in at this time, but when in love, i did what i was had to, and that meant taking my turn going in early when required. summers weren't bad, hot, but easy to get to work, none of the winter preperations, but the winter time early starts have given me the best memories, memories stoked by this song. as Joplin refers the "end of the road" i can do nothing but smile. when my early starts to the 12 hour days would began, i knew what awaited me at the end of the long, tiresome day that lay before me. the windows would be steamed up from the delicious meal prepared by my babygirl, and as i would enter the door the vapors and smells of the feast freed me from the hell i had just escaped from, and my beautiful wife wold be there, waiting for me, asking if i wanted to shower first or eat first, what wonderful treat of my simple life this was. what a great great memory.  as Joplin refers to the end of the road, when one finds love, it rings so true for me, i sit on my back porch in the mornings and listen to my birds, watch my bunnies, and drink my hot coffee, my girl still resting peacfully upstairs in bed, and i am in heaven. the road i am on now is straight and clear, and the wind is at my back and i rejoice.

                        



i just completed my 19th year of sobriety.  i am a lucky old man for sure.  as i see and read the glib questions and comments, saracastic cutting remarks, i can only humbly and thankfully relate that my God does exist, i am living walking talking doing proof of his power, his love, his pity, and i offer my thanks.  this song helped save my life